GM? MG? What difference does it make?

Word is, GM [that genetically modified car company –ed.] is entering terminal velocity in its proposed merger with two other car companies, Nissan of Japan and Renault of France. They will call the new car NRGM, pronounced “Energy-mmmm,” with the drawn out sound at the end synchronized, in the upcoming TV commercials, with shots of the thermometer rising, with icebergs calving, with gasoline nozzles humming, and so on. It’s to be quite the endeavour. We at the ALLDERBLOB wish them poorly indeed.

As David Olive of the Toronto Star put it the other day,

The truly astonishing — and very sad fact — about Friday’s news that General Motors Corp., Renault SA and Renault’s affiliate Nissan Motor Co. are contemplating a three-way merger is that Renault and Nissan are prepared to put up just $3 billion (U.S.) for a one-fifth stake in GM.

Which values the entire GM — which once ruled the auto world with its Chevrolet, Pontiac, Buick and Cadillac brands — at only $15 billion (all figures U.S.), or slightly less than the $16.6 billion that Johnson & Johnson just paid Pfizer Inc. for its Listerine, Rolaids, Visine eyedrops and other prosaic household staples.

It’s no coincidence that Pfizer, famous for its “Viagra” [say no more, nudge nudge, wink wink –ed.] would be brought up in this discussion. No pun intended [see also below –ed.]

Of course, the news has already been greeted with happiness at the stock exchange [where bad news for employees always brings glee –ed.]. General Motors stock, which was slumping, has clawed its way back up a peg. And good old Kirk Kerkorian, whose withered parts have been sallow indeed of late, has a renewed bounce in his step.

\"Captain\" Kirk Kerkorian demonstrates a hummer “Captain” Kirk?

As top GM shareholder, Kerkorian is in a position to call some shots: and the bow he’s aiming to put a hole in is GM’s own: Let the bloodletting begin!

Meanwhile in Oklahoma, where GM has just closed a car plant (shot in the upcoming commercial: SOUND OVER: “MMMMMM” as we SEE: laid-off workers streaming out the factory gates), a new baby corporation is to be born [borne, that is, i.e. on the backs of the people –ed.]. It’s the child of proud parents Nanjing Auto Giant (NAG) of China, and England’s own MG [which has been modified genetically –ed.].

The giant Chinese NAG has bought itself some tax credits and more than a few local politicians in exchange for about 500 “jobs,” in a transparent attempt to cash in on the balding domes of aging boomers around the world. Word is they will use the same droopy old actors they hire for the erectile disfunction commercials: in one they pop the top of the pill bottle, in the other they pop the top of the convertible MG.

But you know how it is at the ALLDERBLOB: whether it’s genetically modified or modified genetically, we have a pong for every occasion:

When China NAGs,
The world goes Uh-oh
And folks in OK
Start feeling so-so
To know their kids
Will eat next week
Cause the lowest bids
On the “new” MG
Have at last come through
And gasoline energy
With coal-fired ‘lectricity
And a tax-free economy
Mean short-term prosperity
And that’s good,
Good enough for me.

CUT TO: little MG endlessly circling the mall parking lot, looking for a space. SOUND OVER: “mmmmmmm.” ZOOM IN: Skeleton in driver’s seat, with an erection.

but seriously: is my bald spot showing?

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