In a moment that will surely warm the cockles of Royson James’s heart, Toronto Mayor David “Broom-broom” Miller today announced that he has had enough of the mayoral duties, and will not be following through on his oft-touted aim of being a “three term mayor.”
At the end of his press conference, Mayor Miller made the unusual request for “courtesy,” whatever that is, and said he would not be taking questions.
Fortunately, we have the ALLDERBLOB. Royson, Ed, Enzo, and Marcus, not to mention Jeff and Antonia, you can direct your questions to us. We will answer them for you.
For example, consider the following hypothetical scenario:
Royson James (Toronto Star and Car Advertiser): Is it true, Mayor, that you have failed the people of Toronto and are now slinking out the back door with your tail between your legs?
Mayor Miller: That is a gross exaggeration (lowers trousers, turns around). As you can see, and contrary to rumour, I have no tail.
Ed Keenen Keenan (eye weekly and Car Advertiser): When you won your last election, you said the easy bicycle infrastructure had been installed by your predecessor, Mayor Last Man, but that you would be taking on the difficult projects. Yet today, the bikeplan is dead in the water. What have you done for the city’s most vulnerable road users?
Mayor Miller: Cyclists in Toronto have it easier than at any time in the city’s history. Today on Bloor street, many personal friends of mine are willing to literally lift a cyclist from the road and carry them along for a certain distance on their automobiles. Bikeplan? That’s just paper. I’ll give you a bikeplan you can believe in (grabs Ed by the neck and strikes his skull repeatedly with bare knuckles). Nyuh! Nyuh! Nyuh!.
NOW Magazine and Car Advertiser): Mayor! Mayor! NOW magazine readers want to know about your support for sex workers!
Mayor Miller: Support? I’ll show you support (activities of Mayor Miller are blocked from view by Don Wanagas’s thick tweed coat, which is whipped out and held in front of the Mayor’s lower half).
Marcus Gee (Toronto Globe and Mail and Car Advertiser): Pardon the loutish shenanigans of my lowbrow colleagues, Mayor Miller. My question is far more germaine to the real concerns of “real” Torontonians. It’s been said that you are a member of the NDP and a socialist. What are you personally going to do to refute these nefarious rumours, and to ensure that no socialist ever be elected to the mayor’s office in the future?
Mayor Miller: To answer that question, I would like to turn to a member of my Executive Council, Councillor Paula Fletcher. Paula?
Paula Fletcher: A politician’s past should not have a bearing on their activities of the present. That said, when Mr. Miller launched his campaign I was among the first to warn him he’d better quit the NDP and disavow his connection with them. I can tell you, no socialist will get anywhere near the mayor’s office in this city. Not now and not in the future. The mayor’s office will be relegated to the dustbin of history before that happens.
Antonia Zerbisias (Toronto Star and Car Advertiser): Sir, I have a question.
Don Wanagas: I’m sorry, that’s all the time we have for today.
Antonia: But sir, what about the Palestinian people? What about the small animals? What about Building Seven? Was it a controlled demolition?
Chris Phibbs: You heard the man, lady. Beat it.
(Phibbs and Wanagas form a human phalanx against the rush of photographers and reporters. Mayor Miller climbs on his waiting Segway and wheels from the room).
Jeff Gray (Toronto Globe and Mail and Car Advertiser): (arrives at back) Wha’ happen? Did I miss anything?
End of Press Conference.
This reads like a screenplay for FUTURAMA and would be even more hilarious if animated as such. But really, the man has done more for Toronto than I can think of Last-Man ever doing that didn't cause us a national embarrassment or happen in dimly lit back rooms with hell's angels members.
Toronto has become a better place since he's been in office, but I fear what will come of cyclists should a right-winger get in and start mandating spiked bumpers and razor grills on all motor vehicles in the city limits. I can already see Stintz, flooring the gas and chases a cyclist, "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too! AHAHahahAHHAHAhahaHaaaaaa!!!"