Your First Car

The geniuses at the Toronto Star are at it again. Just five days after Earth Day, when the editorialists hollered about preserving and protecting the planet, and a scant week after a particularly brutal day for bicycle riders in the city (two dead in Toronto), we receive word that on April 27 the Star is to present a special advertising section: “Your First Car.”

Also rejected: "Your First Weapon of Mass Destruction"

Watch for it.

Our moles at the Toronto Star, “Giles Gherson” and “Michael Goldbloom” (not their real names) revealed a little of the “behind the scenes” process that went into the section’s development.

Apparently, there was much discussion of the section’s title.

Rejected as names for the special section include:

“Your First Murder Weapon” (seen as too vague);
“Your First Sprawl-Maker” (seen as too boastful);
“Your First Homicide Machine” (too many syllables);
“Your First Massive Truck” (too exclusive);
“Your First Global Warmer” (too technical).

“Your First Car” was finally settled on in part, Giles Gherson tells us, out of respect for tradition, and in part “because it encompasses in just three words all that’s exciting about life in the 21st century: murder, sprawl, global warming, everything!”

Adds Michael Goldbloom: “Be sure to tell your readers about our upcoming special sections, tentatively titled “Your First Smoke” (timed to coincide with the annual Ride for Heart and Stroke), “Your First Gun,” (aimed at the “back to school” set) and “Your First Drink,” (to be endorsed by both A.A. and M.A.D.D., and timed for the December holidays).”

2 Responses to “Your First Car”


    [...] Fact is, we at the ALLDERBLOB have been sitting on our laurels a bit much this December. True, we have many successes this year: to us goes credit for the impending downfall of Jack Lakey at the Toronto Star and Car Advertiser, who will soon be deleted from the typist roster at that august car advertiser. Doubt us? Remember what happened to Giles Gherson? Remember Michael Goldbloom? [...]


    [...] likened this to a pusher advocating “your first cigarette” or a gang offering “Your First Murder Weapon.” We have famously [in your own mind at least.–ed.] linked the disappearance of Star [...]

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